I am not sure I will ever get used to the fact that I need to have a piece of metal in my chest to help keep me safe and alive. It’s is still very bizarre to me.
It’s been over 2 years since the ICD was implanted into my chest, at times it amazes me with the whole “wonder of modern medicine” thing and at times it depresses the living hell out of me, my life changed forever with the events of January 23, 2012, and I don’t like it one bit. Mind you, the journey I have been on since that date has been one with lots of terrible lows and not so many highs. I have dealt with so much. The physical recovery from the event took a very long time but recovery from the mental aspect has taken much longer and I still very actively deal with it to this day. I have had to mourn the loss of the life I had before this along with depression and anxiety and PTSD. I have had to drive myself nuts trying to figure out my life purpose, after all, I came back from the dead, there MUST be a reason. Then of course, all the woulda, shoulda, couldas, could I have prevented this from happening if I had only made some changes along the way. There were also really dark times, the times when I wanted to just die and get it all over with, not that I really wanted to leave this earth but I figured it was a lot less painful than what I was having to go through. I obsessed over dying, I was so afraid that I would be forgotten, that my family and friends would just pick up and carry on without me. Then I would remember all the times that I thought of loved ones who have left and I would realize that they go on because I think of them and the interactions I have had with them in my life. It was with this realization that I decided that I needed to change the kind of person I felt I was, I wanted people to have warm and fuzzy thoughts about me. I wanted them to know how I felt about them, how much they meant to me in my life, I wanted them to know that I had a happy life and that the love and support they gave me made a difference. For someone who could hold a grudge for a very long time, this was a whole new way of life for me. I decided to forgive myself and others for wrongs both real and imagined, and I decided to love myself and to stop the cycle of negative thoughts that reside in my head. I started being grateful every day for the good things in my life instead of focusing on the bad, I took up meditation and walks in nature and slowly but surely I felt a shift. I started reading about energy and raising my vibration and healing gemstones and I started accupuncture treatments and I joined a group where we discuss spirituality in a non religious way. Today, I am a different person, I feel like all of the hard spots that have built up over the years have softened, all I need to do is keep working.
I still have challenges, it’s a constant dance of two steps forward, one step back but the steps back aren’t quite as far as they used to be. I have family and friends and a group of medical professionals who are helping get life back on track There are times when I get frustrated because I don’t think I am making the progress I should but then I have a day when I realize how very far I have come. The heart issues are very much interconnected with my mental health, they feed off each other in a circular motion, but I have come to realize that as corny as it sounds, one day at a time.
A friend once described me as cloudy with sunny breaks, today Douglas and I had a conversation about this and he thinks that a more apt description of me these days is sunny with cloudy breaks…now that’s progress and I will take it.