The waiting is the hardest part….

My first appointment with the Pre-Heart Transplant Clinic was August 11, 2014, and at that time, the decision was made to go ahead with an assessment of my health to see if this was the appropriate time to do a transplant.  With the flurry of tests and such, the time frame was 4-6 weeks, it’s now been almost 8 but it looks like the decision may be coming soon.   I have one more appointment on October 8 that will investigate further something that was found in the test results, no one really anticipates that it is anything to worry about, they just want to be sure that all is well before proceeding.  It definitely makes me feel better to know that they are doing their due diligence when it comes to potential pot holes but waiting is hard yo.

 

It’s funny cause I say waiting is hard but it’s not like it’s something new for me.  For the last two and a half years I have been waiting for many things.  I have been waiting for another shock, I have been waiting for a diagnosis, I have been waiting for some new treatment that would make this all stop, so I’m not sure why waiting for this decision is harder than any of the other waiting I have been doing. I guess because it will have such a huge impact on my life either way.

 

I have a lot of anxiety around will they say yes, will they say no let’s wait.  Then I start thinking about having the surgery,  not having the surgery.  Then next it’s about my device, I’ve grown so used to it being there, will I be able to cope without it?  Will a new heart really give me the freedom back that I have lost?  Will it be more predictable?  Questions I don’t have the answers to that only a crystal ball could begin to shed light on.  It’s hard being anxious and afraid all the time, it really takes a lot of energy to constantly fight back at thoughts that have legitimate reasons for being there, big scary thoughts that are hard to argue with.  I actually had to start seeing someone to help me manage my anxiety, to help me be more aware of the bad thoughts I have that can tailspin me into a deep depression, to catch them before I get too far down and to deal with them. It’s hard being vigilant against your thoughts and it’s exhausting.  Lately I have had an increase in nightmares, they are almost a constant thing, dark, bloody, violent dreams that wake me up shaking, my heart racing and scared out of my wits.  Often, my husband will tell me that I was thrashing about in the night as if I was fighting some sort of battle while sleeping, I often wake up dog tired, all of this weighs on my mind so heavily.

 

Through all of this I have found that meditation,  relaxation and walks in nature have helped me cope quite a bit and as corny as it may sound, I try to take it one day at a time and not get too far ahead of myself.  I  can absolutely drive myself crazy if I let these thoughts and fears run my life because no matter what the decision is, I go back to waiting for the call that they have a donor. or waiting for the day my device has to save my life again.  Thankfully I have the loving support of a partner that listens to me, hugs me and assures me he is there for me.  Also I know that I just  have to trust that decisions are made in my best interest,  that everything happens for a reason and that everything will work out as it should.

 

And to live by my new motto…

It does not matter how many times you get knocked down, but how many times you get up. -Vince Lombardi

 

 

 

 

 

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I’m getting bettah…

I am not sure I will ever get used to the fact that I need to have a piece of metal in my chest to help keep me safe and alive.  It’s is still very bizarre to me.

 

It’s been over 2 years since the ICD was implanted into my chest, at times it amazes me with the whole “wonder of modern medicine” thing and at times it depresses the living hell out of me, my life changed forever with the events of January 23, 2012, and I don’t like it one bit.  Mind you, the journey I have been on since that date has been one with lots of terrible lows and not so many highs.  I have dealt with so much.  The physical recovery from the event took a very long time but recovery from the mental aspect has taken much longer and I still very actively deal with it to this day.  I have had to mourn the loss of the life I had before this along with depression and anxiety and PTSD.  I have had to drive myself nuts trying to figure out my life purpose, after all, I came back from the dead, there MUST be a reason.  Then of course, all the woulda, shoulda, couldas, could I have prevented this from happening if I had only made some changes along the way.  There were also really dark times, the times when I wanted to just die and get it all over with, not that I really wanted to leave this earth but I figured it was a lot less painful than what I was having to go through.  I obsessed over dying, I was so afraid that I would be forgotten, that my family and friends would just pick up and carry on without me.  Then I would remember all the times that I thought of loved ones who have left  and I would realize that they go on because I think of them and the interactions I have had with them in my life.  It was with this realization that I decided that I needed to change the kind of person I felt I was, I wanted people to have warm and fuzzy thoughts about me.  I wanted them to know how I felt about them, how much they meant to me in my life, I wanted them to know that I had a happy life and that the love and support they gave me made a difference.  For someone who could hold a grudge for a very long time, this was a whole new way of life for me.  I decided to forgive myself and others for wrongs both real and imagined, and I decided to love myself and to stop the cycle of negative thoughts that reside in my head.  I started being grateful every day for the good things in my life instead of focusing on the bad, I took up meditation and walks in nature and slowly but surely I felt a shift.  I started reading about energy and raising my vibration and healing gemstones and I started accupuncture treatments and I joined a group where we discuss spirituality in a non religious way.  Today, I am a different person, I feel like all of the hard spots that have built up over the years have softened, all I need to do is keep working.

 

I still have challenges, it’s a constant dance of two steps forward, one step back but the steps back aren’t quite as far as they used to be.   I have family and friends and a group of medical professionals who are helping get life back on track  There are times when I get frustrated because I don’t think I am making the progress I should but then I have a day when I realize how very far I have come.  The heart issues are very much interconnected with my mental health, they feed off each other in a circular motion, but I have come to realize that as corny as it sounds, one day at a time.

 

A  friend once described me as cloudy with sunny breaks, today Douglas and I had a conversation about this and he thinks that a more apt description of me these days is sunny with cloudy breaks…now that’s progress and I will take it.

 

Technical Difficulties

The two years since my Sudden Cardiac Arrest have been challenging to say the least.  You hear all the time about people coming back from death experiences with a whole new appreciation for life, for me that was not the case.  Initially, I mean before the shocks started, I went into a deep depression,our life had suddenly changed so much and I was convinced that I lived because I had a purpose, I was in a panic about figuring out what that was.  I spent my days, deep inside myself,shut off from the world trying to figure out what I had to do now that I had a second change.  Once the shocks started, my survival instincts kicked in along with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, severe anxiety, a fear of going to sleep at night and a fear of leaving the house.  The leaving the house part was two fold, one, I worried that I would experience a shock, from which I always go unconscious and fall and crack my head open and two, I worried that a stranger, in trying to help would hurt me instead. The fear of going to sleep came from worry that the device, after saving me 28 previous times would fail and I would die, every morning I opened my eyes was a relief.  During the 10 months where my heart wouldn’t calm down, I experienced severe physiological damage my brain and body were battered, I had lost a great deal of muscle mass from spending so much time in bed, I was a shadow of my former self. For those 10 months, I had nothing to do but sit around waiting and worrying about the next shock between long stays in the hospital and a total disruption in our life.  It seemed that the meds they were using were making matters worse and just as I was about to go on the heart transplant list, a drug was found to control the arrhythmia, I have been stable now for almost 14 months. 

 

I really wasn’t able to start working on the physiological damage until last September, since my Cardiac Arrest at the beginning of 2012 Douglas and I had spent every single moment of every single day together while he took care of me, we had no time apart for a very long time. We were at a point where we needed to start separating our lives again, we needed to move on with our lives and get back some normalcy, it was time.  I had the chance to take part in a weekly Mindful Meditation group at Vancouver General Hospital and I was determined that this was my chance to gain some of my independence back.  I had so much anxiety around this, but I really had to push my way through it, it was an important step and just making the 40 minute trip there on public transit was daunting and I had to figure out a way that I could get to the class without crumbling from the anxiety. I decided to take a cab, it made both of us feel better.  Ok, so now I’m at VGH, anxious about being around of group of people I didn’t know, worried that I would have a shock and cause a scene, all I could do was cry my way through my introduction. I was a mess and I felt really stupid.  I sat through the rest of the day not saying a word, wishing I could bury myself in a hole.  I called a cab home and despite feeling like a failure, it was the first step and I was relieved.  The day before the next session, the facilitator of the group called me and asked me not to come back, she felt my depression was still too prevalent and that me being in the class would not be good for the others in the group.  I was crushed but not surprised.  One of the things that the facilitator suggested was that I get some one on one counselling and come back at a later date.  That one little baby step I had taken the week earlier lead to another, I found a counsellor I could see within walking distance of our apartment, I started making the weekly trek alone, still anxious but doing it, two steps forward, one step back.  I felt so happy that Douglas could have some time to himself and that I could work at being independent again, if only for a couple of hours a week.  Each week I got more and more confident and the counselling really helped me to process things and see things from other perspectives. I also learned to take things one day at a time and not to rush things and to stop being so hard on myself that I couldn’t just stand up and dust myself off and carry on. 

 

To this day I still experience anxiety, it’s depends on the circumstance now and not all the time.  I still have nighmares from time to time and the flashbacks have slowed down too, things are looking better, how far we have come.  One of the things that has made a huge difference in my mental well being has been mindful meditation.  When I first started it was hard, my mind would wander off a thousand times in a 5 minute session and I had a hard time sticking with it but I kept hearing how successful it could be so I carried on. There are many forms of meditation and I found at first that I had a hard time focusing on my breath so I tried guided meditation or I would put on some ambient music and say positive affirmations for 10 minutes, as long as it quiets the mind.  I find it easier to stay with it these days and I am seeing positive results.  I feel a subtle difference in how I look at the world, how I deal with depression, emotion, fear and anxiety.  I feel calmer, happier and much more positive than I have in a very long time. I’ve realized that I no longer need to mourn for the life that I lost but to live for the one I have been given a second chance at, I am more grateful. I’m coming to terms with my new normal.

 

I still have a way to go but slowly and surely I am changing.  It took death to make me realize how much I want to live the life I am meant to live.  Everyone, including me, deserves to be happy and to shine brightly, changing the negative self talk is probably the hardest to do as it’s so ingrained.  I’m still trying to find my way down this path, but I am more sure than ever that I am headed in the right direction.