So disappointed

It’s been a few weeks since my last post.   I didn’t intend for it to be this long, but I have been trying hard to get my head wrapped around what has been happening.


When I left you last, I was waiting for a decision on a heart transplant, that decision came in fact at the end of October and it was a huge disappointment.  The answer was yes, I am a heart transplant candidate, however, they would not list me at this time.  The reasons they gave me made sense in some way, but were very disappointing given how much of my life has been turned upside down by all of this over the past soon to be almost 3 years.  What made it an even bigger disappointment is that I had really, truly thought that the decision would come down in my favour, I actually let myself believe that I would be able to reclaim my life.  There is nowhere else to turn and my only option is to wait for the next shock and wait for a decision to be made as to how many more I need to endure before I am able to get a new heart.  The decision makers think that I am too healthy, that I should stabilize, that the shocks should stop, that I am on the right medication, that given all the risks involved in heart transplant that they are actually doing what is in my best interest.  I was devastated.  I cried for days, I moped around for a few more, I dove back into my severe depression, trying to make sense of it all and to figure out what I should do next.  I had such hope.


I feel so lost.