I got the call, that call I have been anxiously awaiting for the past couple of weeks. The call about the appointment where they let me know if they will put me on the heart transplant list or if they will continue to monitor the situation I have been in for the last two and a half years, you know, the one where my heart stops out of the blue.
if you have been following along, you know that it has harshly affected my quality of life. I can’t work, I can’t drive, I can’t leave the area, all I can do is wait and wonder when my device, meant to keep me from dying will have to jump into action to save me again. It really has been hard to reconcile, all that has been going on, even though you would think by now I would be used to it. I’m not. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I have this niggling thought in the back of my mind, always wondering if this is the day my heart will go crazy and my device will give me another shock. It was this very thing that has caused me to consider a heart transplant, in the end, even though I have been told by many doctors that I am replacing one disease with another, I feel that getting this transplant will be more predictable and will give me back my life. I don’t want to be afraid of being alone, or of going to sleep, or of being at the gym or meeting up my friends for dinner and it keeps me from doing so much. I never thought in a million years that I would have to consider a heart transplant, me the organ donor, figuring the about the only thing I would have to give to someone was my heart. WRONG! DAMN THIS ARRHYTHMIA!!!
They left a message and when I saw who had called, I sort of knew what it was for, I’ve been jumping through hoops for the past weeks, being poked and prodded to determine my current state of health. The fact that they decided to go through with the assessment was encouraging, but now it all comes down to a “committee” of people who will decide my fate, people my husband and I have been meeting with regularly. There will be a cardiologist, a psychologist, a heart surgeon, a social worker, and even an ethics person, they will talk about my case and debate whether or not this is the right time for this transplant to happen based on all of the information the have been gathering. I’m sure it will be a difficult decision based on the fact that I am outside the box when it comes to this sort of procedure. Every person being considered for transplant goes through this and I totally understand why this needs to be done, getting a new heart is a VERY precious gift, they want to make sure that the person receiving it has the best chance of long term survival.
Knowing it will only be a few more days has left me an emotional wreck, I’m happy, sad, anxious, terrified, relieved, impatient and excited all rolled into one. I am trying hard not to have any expectations about what the answer will be and not to get too far ahead of myself, it’s hard considering all I have been through. I can’t even begin at this point to think about the actual surgery and recovery afterwards, it’s just too overwhelming and until I know, it’s something I needn’t worry about, I will try to remain calm until my appointment next week.
So, Wednesday it is then. Wish me luck!